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All my seventeen years of life, I have been a lover.

I remember having a best friend who lives next my door my house when I was schooling in Kindergarten. The memories were so vague; I could hardly remember doing anything special with her besides a photo we took together in our uniform. But I remember us being sad when she moved house, and it was then we lost contact. Thinking back now, I wonder how has she look like and what is she doing now.

Year 1996 I met Charlene, and a friendship just sparkled off like this - pure and simple. Time after school were spent either in school library finding our favourite author's collections or at my house where we play all the way till evening. Visiting her house thrills me muchly because I could hardly travel out without my parents since I was pretty young. And then came along Celine and Sinhui whom I met and bonded closer through all the badminton trainings we attend weekly. Though there were times we were jealous and got angry with each other, parting never cross the minds of ours. This is something that have always keep me in awe of in this friendship we share. Now that we've all turned seventeen, we not only matured individually, but have also enter into a higher level in our friendship. Regardless of the amount of time we spend, the words we say, the calls and messages we sent and the number of times we may meet up, it is not that significant anymore. Because we all have hold each other in the deepest core of our heart.

I have always perceive High School to just be a stop-over for me. That in a twinkle of an eye I'll reconcile my freedom with the rest. But I was proved wrong. I found new friends whom I can learn from and befriend with. Lisin; someone I don't contact much yet she is special in my heart. Kai Hui and Wee Leng; the two dearies that I'll not forget after I graduate because we went through 5 years of ups and downs, and have seen how each other grew and mature. And last year, I met someone whom I could pour my heart out to as and when I need. The source of my smile, strength and motivation to attend school and to excel. Along this road, I have learnt to love and care for people I never thought I will. Those that I hang out now every recess, they are all given a space in this heart of mine; for me to love and care.

For people I've let into this heart of mine, I hold them dearly and have loved them with every ounce I could have. And when they have slowly stray away from me, all I hold are but memories. A kind of pain and hurt wells up within me. It is then I feel helpless and selfish to free up any space in me for others to come in. I abhor dealing with those places once taken but not now. I feel as if my feelings were being toyed with and trust being abused. Sometimes, I just wonder if this was a test for me, for us, that I should have just persevered on and press on. But oh, everything's too late now I guess. Perhaps I should just leave things as it is. Eventually, if he/she has treasure me enough, he/she will show me through actions.

God, won't You come, and fill the spaces I have with Your Love, making me whole again. I want to love all over again.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

A lover since young.

All my seventeen years of life, I have been a lover.

I remember having a best friend who lives next my door my house when I was schooling in Kindergarten. The memories were so vague; I could hardly remember doing anything special with her besides a photo we took together in our uniform. But I remember us being sad when she moved house, and it was then we lost contact. Thinking back now, I wonder how has she look like and what is she doing now.

Year 1996 I met Charlene, and a friendship just sparkled off like this - pure and simple. Time after school were spent either in school library finding our favourite author's collections or at my house where we play all the way till evening. Visiting her house thrills me muchly because I could hardly travel out without my parents since I was pretty young. And then came along Celine and Sinhui whom I met and bonded closer through all the badminton trainings we attend weekly. Though there were times we were jealous and got angry with each other, parting never cross the minds of ours. This is something that have always keep me in awe of in this friendship we share. Now that we've all turned seventeen, we not only matured individually, but have also enter into a higher level in our friendship. Regardless of the amount of time we spend, the words we say, the calls and messages we sent and the number of times we may meet up, it is not that significant anymore. Because we all have hold each other in the deepest core of our heart.

I have always perceive High School to just be a stop-over for me. That in a twinkle of an eye I'll reconcile my freedom with the rest. But I was proved wrong. I found new friends whom I can learn from and befriend with. Lisin; someone I don't contact much yet she is special in my heart. Kai Hui and Wee Leng; the two dearies that I'll not forget after I graduate because we went through 5 years of ups and downs, and have seen how each other grew and mature. And last year, I met someone whom I could pour my heart out to as and when I need. The source of my smile, strength and motivation to attend school and to excel. Along this road, I have learnt to love and care for people I never thought I will. Those that I hang out now every recess, they are all given a space in this heart of mine; for me to love and care.

But I was never taught of how to deal with friends that stray from me, or perhaps, me leaving them.

For people I've let into this heart of mine, I hold them dearly and have loved them with every ounce I could have. And when they have slowly stray away from me, all I hold are but memories. A kind of pain and hurt wells up within me. It is then I feel helpless and selfish to free up any space in me for others to come in. I abhor dealing with those places once taken but not now. I feel as if my feelings were being toyed with and trust being abused. Sometimes, I just wonder if this was a test for me, for us, that I should have just persevered on and press on. But oh, everything's too late now I guess. Perhaps I should just leave things as it is. Eventually, if he/she has treasure me enough, he/she will show me through actions.

God, won't You come, and fill the spaces I have with Your Love, making me whole again. I want to love all over again.

Lost in the jungle.

maoed.
at 7:52 PM